Five things you should know before attending an Easter service.

If Christmas is the national championship game for church people then Easter is the Super Bowl. Easter Sunday is the one day out of the year that many people will attend church.  And even though they come every year, they forget that it can be a harrowing experience.  Because Easter Sunday is different.  It’s special and if you aren’t prepared for it, it can be bad.  Enter the ninja greeter.

(Before moving on, learn more about the Ninja Greeter.  Read this and this.)

Ninja greeters are highly trained, highly skilled and very friendly church ambassadors. And since they are the first people you will probably see (or not see, because they’re ninjas) when you enter the church, rest assured that they will make your church visit as pleasant as possible.

They have seen and done it all.  So they want to impart some knowledge on you before coming to church on Easter Sunday.

Here are five things you should know if you want to survive… err… enjoy your Easter service.

1.  Get there early (part 1) -  Great parking lot teams know exactly where open parking spaces are but even they can’t create a parking space out of thin air.  If you’re late or even on time, go ahead and book your ticket on the complimentary church shuttle or bring a power bar.  It’s a long walk from the overflow parking lot at the supermarket that is four miles away.

2.  Make a sacrifice -  Prepare to sacrifice a member of your group to save seats.  This person must be brave and have thick skin.  This is no job for the meek.  They will get the evil eye and they may be cussed at.  Encourage them to stay strong.   Also, have them grab a handful of bulletins on the way in because pens, phones, shoes, and small children aren’t always considered to be credible seat saving devices.

3.  Get there early (part 2) –   If you arrive late, you’ll be subjected to the notorious plastic folding chair of doom.  The plastic folding chair is infamous for causing butt numbness and for making inappropriate noises every time you try to adjust.  It’s extremely embarrassing during those quiet moments.

4.  Know your exit strategy –  Know where the exits are.  If you are in a group, select a rendezvous point before hand.  When the herd of people bears down on you, it’s easy to be separated.  Don’t panic.  Remember the game plan.  Fall back to the Alamo which, in your case, is probably the place you’ll have lunch (Chili’s, Applebee’s, Aunt Ethel’s house).

5. There will be hats -  Despite current fashion trends, people will still don the Easter bonnet – that feathery, fluffy, pastel colored behemoth that draws attention and garners stares.  Be prepared to strategically pick your seat where the feathery bonnet doesn’t interfere with the view.  And if you still refer to a hat as a bonnet – welcome to 2012.

Easter is a time of celebration.  It shouldn’t be fraught with frustration and despair.  Remember these five nuggets of knowledge and spend your Easter service worshiping instead of suffering.

Happy Easter!